At age nineteen, depressed and desperate for answers, I found myself at a college Bible retreat, looking for rescue from my deadly thoughts and a past that haunted me. But when the speaker claimed I could be “free in Christ, right here, right now,” my brain screamed How? How can I be free in Christ right now, when all my life I’ve heard that answer at church, and it hasn’t fixed me yet? I promptly returned to my dorm and wrote my suicide note.
How do “good Christian kids” from “good Christian homes” like I was get to this point, and how do we eventually get out? It is for those of us who know about Christ’s promise of new life, but who need help living it out, that I have written my story.
You see, the “solution” I heard at my college event wasn’t wrong information; it was just incomplete. It didn’t tell the story of how, for the depressed mind, “new life” comes with a daily battle—the battle between Christ and Satan in the mind—and how decided victory might take years.
In my memoir about finding new life after attempted suicide, I include both the hopelessness and the hope that this journey encompassed for me, as well as the frustrating years in between when my prayers felt unheard. I tell of the painful events that led me to the brink of suicide, the changes of scenery and support systems that spurred my first breakthroughs, and the new habits and scriptures that slowly built my faith. Finally, I share how I got honest with myself, God, and a small prayer group about a painful childhood whose secrets still suffocated me; and how honesty led to replacing lies with truth, bitterness with peace, loneliness with relationships, and unforgiveness with love. From the first page to the last, my goal is to expose the lies Satan tries to entrap us all with, and the truth that can finally set us free.
“For the mind controlled by [Satan] is death, but the mind controlled by the Holy Spirit is life and peace.”